On rare days like today, I want to give it up. This unrelenting drive towards personal excellence. This vision towards that which seems possible. Like living from a place of stillness, grace, wisdom, compassion, courage, and virtue. Like never being frayed, unraveled, stingy, or undone. Still, even in the midst of my own undoing, I am compelled all the more towards my vision. And so it goes.
I’ve read that the majority of people who die and come back claim that on the other side, our very thoughts and intents are instantly revealed. Not only do they report that their thoughts are transmitted, but also every desire, feeling, and nuance associated with those thoughts are unveiled. For many personal reasons, I believe this will be the case. I like this idea too, because it encourages me in one of my highest ideals, and that is my desire for my inner and outer life to be utterly congruent. It inspires me to walk my talk, to increase my personal discipline and goodness, and to become filled with pure and genuine love for others.
The problem is, I am human, with a mortal body and mortal emotions, an obvious fact one of my spiritual advisors had to remind me of many years ago. I know it sounds ridiculous, but I resisted the idea. I thought if I gave into it, I would be excusing myself like people do who claim that it is just their nature to be rude, judgmental, late, insensitive, lazy, and so forth. I’ve never understood the long-term attraction of living in that world of thought as I have visited there and find it to be so pinched and exhausting.
That’s what happened today. I visited frustration and overwhelm, and a few adjacent cities, and after a while of excusing my arrival there, I pedaled away as fast as I could to the edge of town and made my way home. My true home. The home that allows me my humanity while nurturing me towards holiness. It’s good to be home again. Goodnight.