My Adoption Reunion: Would I do it again?

If I could rewind my life to the age of 23, sitting on that college bed after graduation, I might smash that vamp guitar sitting in the corner like a fortune-teller, seducing me to pack my bags and find my birthmother instead of finishing my master’s degree.

The pinch and pang of the partial degree is nothing though, compared to the vexation of pouring the purest parts of my soul like a salve into the fractured hearts of some of my new-found-relatives, only to be left brokenhearted and bereft of those I hold most dear.

And what if I had stayed and pursued my childhood dreams in academia? What would have become of each our lives?  Maybe they wouldn’t be sitting as lovers over burgers and fries tonight, or dying alone on the coast, and I wouldn’t have burned the dinner lasagna as I pontificated to my husband upstairs as to why I am no longer suited for the domestic life and probably never have been.

It’s mighty rare for me to look back.  Regret is a special slant of poison that I refuse to ingest. I have chosen this road, and I will drink the clear waters of owning my choice, regardless of the wild brambles, and despite the breathless and shadowy paths upon which I find my footing.

We can place our sailboat in the water and navigate with skill, but we cannot control the wind. Without the wind, however, there is no call to adventure, no magic flight, and no freedom to live without regret.

And except for a few shining moments, this adoption journey to my roots has been bitter and brutal and I don’t know that I’d recommend it.

Unless, of course~

You’ve been undeniably called.  And if you have, you still have a choice. You always have a choice. And if you choose this voyage, you will be given protection and guidance and tools and courage you never knew you had. But make no mistake, this journey is not for the weak or the cowardly and it will press your soul into a little glass bottle until you think you will die, and fling you out to sea until you free yourself.

So choose wisely.  And be brave and kind to yourself, no matter your choice.

8 Comments

  1. Michael on 02/23 at

    Mel –
    Oh, how I love you! You are the most courageous, honest, and loving person I know. I’m grateful to have witnessed and accompanied you on your voyage. You have my full support and love – always.
    Hugh

  2. Wendy on 02/23 at

    I think I could change the word “adoption” to the word “divorce” and this post would be an intensely personal & highly eloquent explanation of my life over the past ten years. Your paragraph on regret gives words to what I know–powerful, powerful stuff.

    You never cease to amaze me.

    • Melanee Evans on 02/23 at

      Oh, Wendy, thank-you for reminding us that the parallels of our journey here are so ever present. I love you all the more for it.

  3. Aunt Gail Thorpe on 02/23 at

    Oh sweetheart, I am so grateful that you are a part of our family..Everyone was so happy when we found out about you, especially, your father and that made us all very very happy for him. Love you Aunt Gail

    • Melanee Evans on 02/23 at

      Thanks, Aunt Gail! I love you all too, so dearly. Meeting you and the family that summer was one of the brightest spots of my journey, and I can’t express my gratitude enough for the love and kindness I received. Dennis is one of the most beautiful souls I’ve ever met, and one of my most cherished friends.

      I tend to be a Pollyanna about life, going around, seeing the good in people and life and expecting everyone to be sincere. To be who they say they are. Sometimes that isn’t true, and I have to grow up and admit it so I can move on. That’s what I did here. Admitted there are shadows amidst the sunshine. Thank-you for being part of my sunshine!

  4. Heidi on 02/23 at

    Wow, you are an amazing woman and you have an amazing gift to communicate. God bless you Melanee and may God bless others to find this article when they need it most.

  5. Kc on 02/24 at

    While reading this I realized that part of freedom is the ability to regret. Just like part of freedom is suffering, not just the escape of suffering. I love and appreciate that you share your talents so openly… So that I can have some sips of that clear water of yours.

    P.S. So glad you didn’t smash your guitar. It’s awesome!

  6. Mary Ann Mabey on 02/24 at

    Thank you for such a beautiful heartfelt article. You have a great gift in your ability to write. Love you lots.
    Mary Ann

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