If I could rewind my life to the age of 23, sitting on that college bed after graduation, I might smash that vamp guitar sitting in the corner like a fortune-teller, seducing me to pack my bags and find my birthmother instead of finishing my master’s degree.
The pinch and pang of the partial degree is nothing though, compared to the vexation of pouring the purest parts of my soul like a salve into the fractured hearts of some of my new-found-relatives, only to be left brokenhearted and bereft of those I hold most dear.
And what if I had stayed and pursued my childhood dreams in academia? What would have become of each our lives? Maybe they wouldn’t be sitting as lovers over burgers and fries tonight, or dying alone on the coast, and I wouldn’t have burned the dinner lasagna as I pontificated to my husband upstairs as to why I am no longer suited for the domestic life and probably never have been.
It’s mighty rare for me to look back. Regret is a special slant of poison that I refuse to ingest. I have chosen this road, and I will drink the clear waters of owning my choice, regardless of the wild brambles, and despite the breathless and shadowy paths upon which I find my footing.
We can place our sailboat in the water and navigate with skill, but we cannot control the wind. Without the wind, however, there is no call to adventure, no magic flight, and no freedom to live without regret.
And except for a few shining moments, this adoption journey to my roots has been bitter and brutal and I don’t know that I’d recommend it.
Unless, of course~
You’ve been undeniably called. And if you have, you still have a choice. You always have a choice. And if you choose this voyage, you will be given protection and guidance and tools and courage you never knew you had. But make no mistake, this journey is not for the weak or the cowardly and it will press your soul into a little glass bottle until you think you will die, and fling you out to sea until you free yourself.
So choose wisely. And be brave and kind to yourself, no matter your choice.